There was one day when I saw high school students on the bus. I thought whatever happen to me in high school? I thought about the letter that I wrote to myself while a senior in high school that my high school English teacher kept. He said that he would mail it to us in 10 years. I have the one that I wrote as a junior. I read it a couple of years ago and thought I think I'm still me. Did I make something of myself or was I a nobody and was taken advantage of a couple of times? Is that also what happen to me in middle school? Did that happen to me in elementary school as well?
Looking back I was naive and I believe that I still am today. I had some goals in college, but I don't think I achieved them. While I had dreams of graduating, which I did, I don't think I tried hard enough and school did not prepare me for this. I thought I knew enough, but looking back I don't know shit.
I had the understanding that going to college and graduating with any degree will help you get any job as most jobs you have to be trained anyway. I've had at least a few jobs now and I think I haven't been happy since I worked in a factory where I could just goof off and try my hardest at something easy where it requires a bit of OCD.
I knew that job was perfect for me as I would have to scan inventory and put into a computer and then print out purchase orders and fill them by placing them into a box ad shipping them. I even figured out how to use the new computer shipping system to work like an older model that was there. I felt like I was needed and that I was doing something productive.
I think I only messed up one time and even though I had nothing to do I found other odd jobs to do until it was time to leave. I miss that job and my supervisor. I thought I could do that job and leave school. Instead I went back to school. It was only a summer job and so I had to. My supervisor said that the only way someone would be able to take her place is if she left or if she died. She moved away and someone else got the job. I wish I could have taken that job. It kept me fit and although it was hard work, I enjoyed it.
Reading my friend's blog today made me wonder what has happened to me since I had graduated from college. The mental plans that I had of traveling after I graduated never happened. Well, it sort of did, but after that I haven't been overseas. Sure I have seen more of America, but I still want to see more of Europe. I had my taste back in 2002 or was it 2003. I can't even recall what year it was, but I know it was the year when this war started with trying to find Bin Laden.
While I was in school I took an interest in baseball. I know the basic rules and how scoring was kept. By doing so I met someone who I still like to think I'm friends with. I've since seen him a couple of times at the ballpark and I'd like to thank him for inspiring me and teaching me how to heckle a baseball player. I don't think I did when I went to the games with him, but I was just amazed at the park.
By finding baseball I found new friends. Some that I've known since 2004. Some that I've known since 2005. It's funny how seasons of baseball is longer than years. For the one friend that I met in 2004 that was 4 baseball seasons ago. I became interested in message boards which wasn't too much of a change from talkers that I used to hang around on. This was just waiting for a reply from someone and reading what everyone had to say about a player an or the team.
I know that as I've started to follow the game I've changed myself. I've sort of stopped watching the game and just enjoy being at the park with friends. I know that the game is the focus, but sometimes just being at the game with friends is more important. We all understand the team and have the same frustrations with how the team is doing.
We meet up on weekends and after the game and complain about the manager and about the players and the umpires. It's always someone's fault and not the fans. I don't know why we keep going back when the team keeps breaking our hearts. It's one thing that will always be there for us. Even if we're far away we still understand that those of us that aren't near us feel the same pain. One sport bringing a group of die hards even if they're new and still learning each part of the game.
I know I drive those around me crazy with questions, but I'm sure once I get the hang of it that someone will be looking to me for answers. I think of baseball as my religion and my savior for the friends I've met. The best example is Bull Durham. Susan Sarandon is my hero. What she says in the opening of the movie makes sense to me.
"I believe in the Church of Baseball."
When I was younger I thought I'd have the perfect life. I'd get a boyfriend and then fall in love. I'd be married after college or by the age of 25 I'd be married. That wasn't going to happen as I didn't meet anyone in college. Maybe I was oblivious to guys that did like me. I thought also maybe in a group of friends like the TV show Friends one of them would like me. I was wrong again. At some point I figured well if no one has found me then I'll go looking for them. Big mistake. Found a couple of strange guys and thought this is not what I had imagined. Sure I imagines I'd fall for someone online or even in England.
I had all these requirements on what the perfect guy should be. At some point I just had to give up. Who you fall for and who falls for you is out of your control. I've told one guy that I just don't feel the same. I know it was bad to do it online, but I really couldn't face him anymore.
Now as I'm past my mid 20s I wonder if in the next couple of years if I'll have that fairy tale ending I've always wanted. I think I'll know when the perfect guy comes along he'll be the one that sweeps me off my feet and maybe be the one for me.
I'm still searching to find out who I am. I don't know if I know yet. I don't know if I want kids or if I want to get married. I think that the one special guy who comes into my life will have all the answers for me. He'll be charming and funny and understand me. That's when I know I will have found the perfect guy for me. He's out there and I could have met him and not even known it. Life is strange like that sometimes. I know it's bad to think back to high school crushes, but sometimes I wonder if I had maybe let a couple of guys know or even in middle school would I be with them today? Or would I have at least kept in touch with them?
Sometimes you can't play "what if" with things like that. You just have to move on.
Horoscope: The most important thing you can do today is to persevere. Things might not go your way at first -- or at all -- but as long as you stick with the program, it should all work out in the long run.
